but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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