Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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