Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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