I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
How does one acquire holy water?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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