I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
