The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
