we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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