I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
