well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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