He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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