The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
