At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Can you bring me the toilet please
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
