You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
