I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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