Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
