dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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