My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
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