3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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