im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
