I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
