please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
