just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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