I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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