last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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