My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
