"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Enjoy the penises
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
