P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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