Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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