I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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