Don't make out with my wife yet
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
