Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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