when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
