Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
