she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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