So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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