So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
