you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
