Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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