i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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