does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
