When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
