You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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