She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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