Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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