I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
If its not for food we ain't going out.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
