I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
