Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
