If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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