But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
