It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
