I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
